I love the quote, “We let our beliefs get brittle way before our bones do” from Adam Grant in his new book, Think Again. It’s also a good reminder of how we become conditioned to hold onto beliefs even when new information makes it wise to rethink our position.
Two days ago I heard a woman go on and on to her friend about how everything was harder these days because of her age, and how she was sure her memory would just keep fading on her and how worried she was about falling. It bothered me greatly, because I knew that our thoughts become actions, our actions become habits and, as James Clear said in his blog, “your identity emerges out of your habits”.
She was wearing her age like a badge of honor, she’d made it this far in life and so she should be given some respect for all she had to endure. And she was projecting all the troubles she was planning to have in the future. Maybe the real trouble was that I’m guessing she was somewhere around my age. And one of the last things I think about is putting myself in a category and allowing the self-fulfilling prophecy to define who I am and what I do.
Argue for your limitations and you get to keep them, we’ve heard. The same could be said for any belief we’ve guarded and nourished, whether it’s the best way to handle a difficult person, hit a backhand in tennis or work with a certain group of people. The more experience we have, the more entrenched we typically become, and that usually isn’t a very good thing.
Even if we decide to be flexible and rethink a recalcitrant old belief we’ve hung on to, people tend to label us wafflers; we switched from one opinion to another on the topic, as if the first thing we decide to believe about something must be honored for the rest of our lives.
According to Rosabeth Moss Kanter in an article in Harvard Business Review, the first two reasons people are not interested in rethinking how they do something is because it will make them feel they’ve lost control over their territory, and it increases uncertainty. People prefer to be mired in misery rather than head toward the unknown. Which, obviously, can create havoc when we’re trying to convince someone that a new approach to something is not only sound, but advantageous.
In his book Grant uses an example of firefighters who died because they could not change how they thought about fire fighting and carrying equipment. Most of us are fortunate our tendency to hold onto old beliefs is not life threatening, but it may cause challenges in problem solving, embracing change and learning to see others’ opinions on a topic.
And clinging to an old idea for too long may start to limit our ability to see other options, and put us into the category of victims who have no say or control over our outcomes. I’m positive the woman I overheard laying out all the reasons she was old and getting older by the second, felt a victim, she had no hope to do anything except acquiesce to the inevitable.
On the other hand, since most of us don’t like that option, let’s look at five ways we can remain flexible and open to new ideas, especially when we realize we’re starting to resist them.
1. Argue in favor of what you’re against, and listen to your reasoning. It doesn’t mean you agree or will change your mind, but lay out an argument on the values of the new approach. Communicate from a position of possibility.
2. Ask yourself some important questions: What would happen if I adopted this new approach/ belief? Do I know my way of doing it is the only way? Am I absolutely sure my way is the only right way? How would I feel if I implemented this new idea?
3. What would others say about this new approach? Come up with five people outside your industry and imagine how they would respond to the new idea.
4. Examine why it’s so important to stand firm on this idea. What could be behind your need to keep the status quo and how could not budging benefit you. Go five why’s deep to get a more thorough answer.
5. What motivation or pat on the back would you need to experiment with the new idea? Would you need support? Backup? What would make it easier for you?
It’s easy for all of us to look for some security, consistency and safety right now, which comes from embracing the same tried-and-true ideas. Stepping outside the parameters of what we’re absolutely sure about is almost always risky, but it also opens our minds to endless resources, possibilities and additional answers. I’m also convinced it’s going to keep me a lot younger than the “old lady” I overheard.
