I looked everywhere including my freezer, inside the dryer and washer, in a few closets, and couldn’t figure out where on earth my one-eyed, stunted cat could have gone. Having never been owned by a cat before I was mesmerized by how incredibly curious he was; there was nothing he wouldn’t get into or try to examine, including the freezer, washer, dryer, and numerous closets. With my cat this talent also comes with two additional components, lack of fear and considerable tenacity.
If, for instance, I say no to exploring the keyboard of my laptop while I’m typing, he tries from a different angle, or tries to sneak on while I take a sip of tea, or just patiently waits and pounces.
Why on earth is he so incredibly curious I keep asking myself. Definitely I find it frustrating, however I’ve decided it’s a pretty great quality to possess. Children, who have been known to annoy parents because every sentence starts with the word why, definitely have an abundance of curiosity. They are incessantly inquisitive about everything and seem to hold no assumptions.
Bottling Curiosity
Think of what a great skill it would be if we could bottle curiosity. First in all conversations managers and friends and spouses would not phrase a question that was really a statement, or ask a question to be polite without caring what the answer was. There would be no telling people what to do until we knew what was needed, and there would be no fear in actually asking legitimate questions about a topic. If the answers weren’t satisfying, there would be more and more open-ended questions until everyone understood.
The more curious we are, the better chance we have in learning what truly drives people, what frightens people and in general what really matters. An interesting form of therapy called motivational interviewing is getting answers through questioning. The premise is that it’s pretty hard to motivate people to change; instead, it’s much more beneficial to help them find their own motivation by asking insightful questions.
How many times have you tried to motivate your staff, your team, your children, your spouse or anyone in your life to do something they didn’t seem to want to do? How effective were you in actually getting them motivated?
Motivational Interviewing
Motivational interviewing starts with curiosity, genuinely wanting to learn. The goal in this approach is helping people see themselves more clearly and then empower them to examine their beliefs, all through asking open-ended questions, reflectively listening and affirming the person’s ability to change.
Now think about when someone really pressured you to do something. Maybe you even thought it was a great idea but you got so frustrated with being pushed toward it that you resisted. How much smarter might it have been to ask your thoughts/opinions on the issue and helped you discover what a great idea it would be for you to embrace it.
How can we use authentic curiosity on a daily basis?
Ask open ended questions- I love the example Adam Grant used in his book Think Again. He asked the reader to imagine he was a student at Hogwarts, worried that his uncle was a fan of Voldemort. Listen to how he directed the questioning:
Do you really want to side with this Voldemort guy?
You: I’d love to better understand your feelings about He Who Must Not Be Named.
Uncle: Well, he’s the most powerful wizard alive. Also, his followers promised me a fancy title.
You: Interesting. Is there anything you dislike about him?
Uncle: Hmm. I’m not crazy about all the murdering.
You: Well, nobody’s perfect.
Uncle: Yeah, but the killing is really bad.
You: Sounds like you have some reservations about Voldemort. What’s stopped you from abandoning him?
Uncle: I’m afraid he might direct the murdering toward me.
You: That’s a reasonable fear. I’ve felt it too. I’m curious: Are there any principles that matter so deeply to you that you’d be willing to take that risk?
Get the idea? This is an ability we all have, it’s just that in our frenetic lives we don’t have a lot of extra time to listen so we take short cuts, sometimes ending up costing us much more time and aggravation. If we decide to be openly curious about motive and behavior, we’re going to get some additional, and perhaps surprising answers.
Along with open ended questions we paraphrase back, or empathize our answers.
Everyone has the same needs
Everyone has the same need, to be heard and understood. Responding back in ways that help people hear this is a priceless skill. It might sound something like “I sense you’re really upset about this, and you need to be trusted.” Or “I hear you, that had to be so frustrating.” It’s a magical door that allows people to feel heard and respected.
There’s no panacea for collaborating and working effectively with everyone, but It helps to start with respect and committed language: “I’d like you to tell me if you’d be willing to…” Whatever direction we move forward we will have a clearer understanding of others’ needs, and it starts with curiosity.
As you go about your day today, for fun try the Five Question Exercise. Continue asking yourself, “Why is she acting that way, and what’s beneath that, and then what…” Getting out of assuming we know the answers, we often uncover some amazing information.
By the way, don’t forget tenacity. If you don’t think you understand, say so respectfully. “I am still not sure I know what you’re saying, help me understand.”
I say this because the entire time I’m writing my cat has never stopped attempting to climb on my keyboard. He wonders what it would be like to dance across the keys and he’s still at it. Pretty soon I’m going to give up, and he’ll get to find out.
