When climbing Mt. Kilimanjaro in August, 2003 my tent mate Marsha decided to stop speaking to me. We had planned this adventure for months and all of a sudden, she quit talking. I wracked my brain to figure out what I’d done and apologized anyway, but to no avail. I decided then and there I would never forgive her.
When renting an apartment in Queens, NY the landlord tried to put a hatchet through our front door, terrifying my two small children. He was crazy and I decided I would never forgive him for what he put us through.
When my first ex-husband (I’ve had only two exes) withheld child support, making it very difficult for me to care for our children, I vowed I would never forgive him.
Why is any of this relevant, you might ask.
Whatever field you’re in, if you can’t forget the past, or at least forgive it, you’re carrying around a residue of dissatisfaction that gets in the way of resiliency, problem solving and leadership. All of us have situations we can tuck away for a lifetime of anger, or we can decide they’re just not worth it anymore. Let’s rewind.
Can I forget about my freezing nights in Africa when Marsha would turn away from me as soon as I climbed in our tent? No. But I can forgive her; I have no idea what she was going through. Past experiences shouldn’t sap current energies. And most importantly, zig zag from anger to appreciation. I am actually grateful she was difficult, I learned how to be more resilient and tenacious, and handle the unexpected. Crazy landlord can’t be forgotten but I can forgive whatever craziness drove him to be what he was, and zig zag to appreciation. I can handle any emergency without panicking. And I no longer want him taking up space in my long-term memory; I want him erased. Ex-husband? Same thing, I’m so grateful now that all the pieces of my life happened, it has made me stronger, tougher and more compassionate. Virginia Woolf said arrange whatever pieces come your way. She didn’t tell us to hold onto these pieces like sullen hobbies, but to use whatever came before us and get on with our lives.
If we’re going to be all that we aspire to be, we need to put our energies and passions into what we want, not what we don’t want. I’ve said it before but it’s still true, we get what we think about. This week I challenge you to zig zag from past resentments to appreciating what you have right now, in this moment. It’s definitely worth the effort.
