There was a time, many years ago, when I was furious with a client and left her a message telling her she was a liar. Did this help the situation? Unequivocally not. Instead, it took much longer to clear up the issue. Regardless of her behavior my job was to pause, decide what the best action would be to rectify the situation, and then take action. It’s a no-brainer that calling someone names is not a smart way to solve a problem and build relationships.
I love the idea of “deliberate calm,” a phrase Jacqueline Brassey, one of the co-authors of Deliberate Calm: How to Learn and Lead in a Volatile World, references in explaining how to remain calm despite surrounding chaos. Makes me think of how easy it is to fall into chaos– trying to board a plane when several groups are called simultaneously, trying to get through a grocery store the day before Thanksgiving, trying to be heard when everyone is on deadline and disagreeing in an emergency meeting.
When we can make a concerted effort to pause, think and choose a different mindset when we begin to feel frustrated, we can change the outcome as well as the attitude of those around us. Brassey suggests once you pause to ask yourself three questions:
- What’s going on for me at this moment?
- What are my thoughts?
- What am I feeling in my body and where do I feel it? And what do I want to do?
It starts with awareness. If I had stopped to realize how angry I was when I picked up the phone to call my client, I would have realized the danger, paused and changed tactics. Sadly, we see examples every day of people not using this strategy and where it gets them. Deliberate calm is always a better choice.
