Have you ever said something to yourself like, “If my boss really valued me, then she’d say so” or “If my brother-in-law really wanted to spend time with me, then he’d do something I like.” We can fill in the blanks endlessly with relatives, spouses, friends, colleagues and others.
Here’s the thing, everyone has a different rule book and in their rule book, their behavior is perfectly acceptable. As an example, a while back, someone in one of my classes explained she was sure her boss didn’t really value her because she never got a compliment. I asked how many times she had complimented her boss and she looked at me as if I’d just sprouted a third arm. She replied, that wasn’t her place. Her rulebook said compliments only go one direction.
Because everyone has a specific idea of what constitutes acceptable behavior in a circumstance (the rule book again), you cannot rely on other people to behave the way you expect them to, you’re not in their shoes. Move forward with whatever you need. Want a celebration on your birthday? Bring the cake. Want to see a family member who is always too busy? Invite them over for dinner. Want to resolve an issue where an apology is needed? Let go of your ego and find a way to apologize, even if you’re not in the wrong. Want to get a compliment on something you’ve done? Proudly share your work with your boss and find a way to authentically compliment the boss as well.
Often, I asked people in my classes if they have all the energy they want. NO ONE ever raises their hands. So, check your current frustrations off your energy-zapping list by doing what you need done. This will allow you to have less stress, and get on with life. It’s a much smarter approach.
You can argue that for you to do the heavy lifting isn’t fair, or you can do something constructive to eliminate some of the stress. And, by the way, research indicates eighty three percent of the population is stressed at work, and one million people take off each day for stress-related reasons. This is one area we actually have some control over, so let’s decide complaining about anything is a waste of our precious time, and take some action.
