According to Chris Voss, former FBI hostage negotiator and author of Never Split the Difference, being accepted and being understood are crucial in effective negotiation, and it seems equally important in most types of communication. He also states in his book that we want to validate others’ emotions by acknowledging specific emotions, and he referred to it as labeling. This could sound like: It seems like you’re angry with what I said, or it looks like you’re upset with her remark or it sounds like you have strong feelings about this topic.
Acceptance is turning off the judging part of our brain and being open to what someone is doing and saying, regardless of what they look like. I noticed this when I was working with a group of exceptional kids at a camp in Piesendorf, Austria. I was with them for a week and I watched how they broke into groups based on their speech, their dress and a host of other factors. And the same thing happens with the groups I teach. No one talks to each other at the beginning of class—they are divided by different types of dress or language– but by the first break they have accepted each other, found commonalities and the rest of the time they are continually talking and sharing insights.
The more we decide to listen first, gain understanding and see the commonalities and values before judging, the easier it is to show acceptance. Of course once trust is established, then we can actually help people flourish and grow. It starts with acceptance.
