“Are you for real?” one of my very bright coaching clients said. He knew better, but he was so astonished at what a colleague had said via a group chat, he just blurted out that question. And of course, it went downhill from there.
I’m amazed at how just a few words or an inflection can make all the difference in the world whether someone accepts what we say or whether there’s disagreement and conflict. I’ve seen it again and again at airports, where a gate agent is thoughtful in responding and passengers will comply easily, or when someone loves having a bit of authority and becomes a bully. I saw this in an incredibly rude Delta gate agent once who treated passengers like unruly six-year-olds and almost brought a woman to tears who had strayed over a line (literally) and he yelled at her and wouldn’t let her back a few feet to claim her bag.
Marshall Rosenberg, author and psychologist, created nonviolent communication, a process to handle conflict and challenging situations more effectively, and came up with this simple strategy to get better results when airing a grievance or challenge: When you…I feel…I need. Someone says something disrespectful to you in front of others and you need to respond: When you said __, I felt embarrassed and think others did as well, and I need you to go into your office if you need to have this kind of conversation with me.
Don’t forget people always have to save face, need praise in public and constructive feedback in private.
As a thought, next time you need to tell someone something try pausing, think how you’d like to get the information, what would inspire you to respond favorably and what would annoy you. Choose positive anytime you can, it always pays off!
