Wouldn’t it be amazing if we could read a person’s non-verbal cues and decide–as a talented culinary chef would do–if we needed to add a sprinkle of warmth or a dash of confidence into the mix, in order to convey to others that we are trustworthy and likable?
Sounds like a tall order, but in Vanessa Van Edwards’ new book Cues, she reminds us of the incredible importance of reading and acting on our non-verbal cues, and the disasters that can happen when we ignore them.
People tell us, for example, when they lack confidence by halting within sentences where there should be no pauses, when they go up at the end of the sentence but it’s not a question, when their mouth “shrugs” (kind of like a frown and a smirk combined) and when they contract, taking up as little space as possible. We don’t want to follow these people or trust what they say. And, the author explains, people who move backward are distancing themselves; liars also back up or jerk their heads back.
Confidence looks like expansion, standing taller and spreading your body out (look who feels most confident at a meeting by who spreads out coffee, briefcase, etc. and who does not) and making direct eye contact with shoulders back and chin straight.
Finally, keep in mind that 90% of initial communication is based on non-verbal cues and if we don’t create the warmth when we meet someone, then they don’t care how credible or confident we might be. Our smile, our openness (anything crossed is creating a barrier), our head tilt (as if listening) all signify warmth and a willingness to engage.
Small things I know, but next time you end up at a doctor’s office, an important client’s meeting or anywhere else where your well being is at stake, pay attention to the cues you’re receiving. The good news is with awareness we can dial up or down our specific cues, as the situation calls for. Strong ideas need strong cues, says Van Edwards. It can make all the difference in the world.
