I teach empathy and empathetic language, and I’ve taught it for a very long time. And I realized recently that when it came to using empathy, I was a dismal failure.
Let me explain. I have a relative I don’t know very well. We’ve been thrown together recently due to a death in the family. I’m afraid I allow her to frustrate me and just seeing her name pop up on my phone sends me into spasms of aggravation. I’m civil and respectful to her but she bothers me. She thinks and acts very differently from me and I tend to find her annoying.
Then at a meeting recently someone made a comment about being in someone else’s shoes and it hit me, I have only been giving lip service to empathy. What’s it like, I asked myself, to actually be in her shoes. She retired early, doesn’t leave her home, doesn’t seem to have friends and lives a rather isolated life.
Of course, the ego driven side of me can recite what she should do to “fix” her life, but empathy isn’t about fixing. It’s not about interrogating or lecturing, it’s about understanding.
This doesn’t mean I approve of her lifestyle, and it doesn’t mean when we choose to use empathy we will like or condone others’ behavior. Empathy is simply an entrance into understanding, and without understanding all our communication is useless and driven by getting results, not collaboration and relationship building.
For me I’ll always end up judging others, it’s in my DNA, but I can learn to push my pause button, wait until I can control my need to be right, and then I have an opportunity to make a connection, reach a greater understanding and possibly make a difference.
